making 30.
reflections on being alive this long when I never thought I'd be.
I am a whole ass 30 years old, Iâm still wrapping my mind around it. As a survivor of childhood abuse, suicidal ideation and attempts, several crazy car accidents and other near death experiences, your girl is here and kicking (and thriving, might I add).
I sincerely cannot believe Iâm still in this bitch, but then again I can. Nothing sent to destroy me never did. Be it my abusers, mental health struggles, lovers and friends who I thought had my best interest at heart but tbh just wanted to adopt my personality as their own (very strange). I am still here, and I have the will to live again, niggas better buckle up lol.
Having lived so many lives and having been so many people, I honor all that my life has taught me. Iâve suffered some devastating losses and flown some really high highs. In my opinion, our greatest teacher in life is life lived. Experiencing, trying, failing, trying again, pivoting, all of it brought me to this point. And this shit has not been linear by any means, let me be abundantly clear. The ebbs and flows have been the only constant, rapid change and endings the only guarantees. But these circumstances showed me what I was made of, showed me how tough Iâm really built.
Nothing sent to destroy me ever did.
I initially planned to make a list of 30 things Iâve learned and wanted to share back, but that doesnât feel sincere and I wonât pressure myself in that way. Instead, Iâll speak from the heart and share what Spirit moves me to.
In my three decades on this floating rock Iâve come to understand a few things about myself and the world I live in. Most importantly, Iâm not a nigga that likes to be rushed. All gas, no brakes is not my ministry. I like to go slow, whether it be in research for art Iâm creating, deep diving into new music, or mastering a new pound cake recipe. Taking my time is a privilege and I will move as gently as I need to. And what a blessing it is to go slow, to be embodied and present in the moment. To be clear, still and true. One of my greatest teachers on patience and good things taking time has been cannabis, we can absolutely get into that more deeply another day. đ€
Iâve come to understand that just when I think Iâve got it figured out, just when I think I got a full handle on some shitâI actually donât lol. And thatâs okay! I used to get so offended when I felt Iâd mastered something (moving through rejection, being able to clock foolishness from far away, etc.) and realized I didnât. Life does not stop once you get a grip on something, if anything, life turns up and really tries you to see if youâll adapt and keep going. It is imperative that you keep going, baby. Growing hurts, but itâs not suffering for the sake of suffering. Remember that.
Iâve learned that I canât be in community with self sacrificial and insecure people. I canât be around niggas who put me on a pedestal; I am a person, not some shiny indicator of achievement. We all have insecurities, weâre human. However, little to no self worth and respect? Thatâs dangerous. Those bonds have been a breeding ground for resentment, envy and in extreme cases, niggas throwing witchcraft at me because they want what I got. Theyâre mad cause it ainât them and itâs me. Not my problem!
Iâve come to accept that I am not above the critiques I have of my mother being a shitty nurturer and excellent provider. I fell into that same pattern with myself. Always making sure me and my baby are housed, fed, got the bills paid, etc., but emotional care? Guidance? Patience and understanding? Validating my own feelings? I had to get that shit out the mud. Wonât no role models for this shit. Over the course of my life Iâve learned so much about what it really takes to tend to my wounding intimately. Surface level will get you some of the way, but you cannot avoid yourself forever. Do the hard and ugly things. Do the scary things. Do the vulnerable things. Your inner child will thank you ten times over and you are worth the effort.
Iâve noticed how my relationship with my body, food and image are constantly changing. Through therapy and a billions of journal pages Iâve come to understand that my self concept was rooted in everything outside of me. Itâs only been in recent years Iâve come to understand and plant myself firmly in my own authority. What I think, see and feel about myself are most important. Everything else is noise. Unlearning years and years of being shamed about my appearance, how much I ate, how 'âunladylikeâ I was, all of that garbage my family spewedâit doesnât belong to me. Their projections and dissatisfaction with themselves is not my business nor is it my load to carry.
And speaking of family, Iâve learned through painful acceptance that just because you share blood with folks donât mean they wish you well. My first bully was my mama. The first people to plant seeds of doubt and shit on my dreams were my own kin, hello? All feedback and critique is not meant to be seriously considered and taken in. I had to learn how to recognize when people were projecting their self hatred, fears and misery onto me. People who are self loathing and lack audacity will always try to keep you small, itâs important you get the fuck from round them.
Bees donât listen to ants tell them how to make honey, next caller.
There are no rewards or door prizes for suffering. For most of my life I was told what I felt, how and where I ached, the pain I was enduring and so on did not matter. Thatâs the furthest thing from the truth. You must validate your experiences. You must speak up when youâre hurting. You must be brave enough to leave places and people who donât take your hurt seriously. There are people in this world whoâll love you deeply and help you kiss your wounds, and itâs a hell of a lot easier to share that load amongst community. You are your responsibility, yes, and also, you donât have to go at it alone. Whether it be support from friends, lovers, your spirits and entities beyondâyou are deserving of being held. Relax your shoulders and allow support and care to wash over you, baby.
Iâve endured a lot of chicanery and tom foolery in these three decades, and itâs been vital for me to keep an open heart and mind. Circumstances can change. Different is possible. I do myself a disservice when I harden and close myself off completely. I am not saying lay yourself wide open for attack and disrespect. I am saying that everyone is not out to get you and one sour experience is not worth denying yourself your humanity. Discernment is the key, and strengthening it takes time. Itâs a canon event, I fear. Every time you see something or someone for what it is and you follow that gut feeling, youâre building that muscle. And before you know it, youâre much clearer and can spot the bullshit from even farther away. Building self trust and intuition will not happen overnight, be patient with yourself, baby.
Letting go can be hard, too. And grief is our birthright. Itâs okay to be invested in something or someone and it doesnât work out. That doesnât make you a loser or a dummy, it just means you gave a situation your all and it didnât pan out like youâd hope. And luckily for you, you can decide to keep on living and try again; and you get to try again with new insights, information and lived experience. What a blessing that is. Grief is a part of the game, we canât escape or avoid it. When we learn to not fear it, but rather see what it has to teach us, we can integrate the lessons and become even badder bitches. Wisdom is gained through missteps, trial and error. Full stop.
Lastly and most importantly, my life has shown me that it requires active participation. We can hope, dream and scheme as much as weâd like, but faith without works is dead as fuck. Get in the field! Whatever that looks like for you. For me, itâs putting in my 10,000 hours as an illustrator and visual artist. Itâs the monotonous drawing exercises and classes. Itâs actively seeking opportunities and allowing myself to be seen on BeyoncĂ©âs internet. Itâs doing shit scared. And we are allowed to be scared! But we still gotta do it. Control is an illusion, and when we donât try, when we talk ourselves out of things before giving them an honest effort, we keep ourselves bound and small. The loop remains and nothing new can come from it. Itâs up to you to choose differently, baby. So do it scared, I promise you wonât regret it. đ
a! welcome to your 30s lmao! and b) i agree! life requires you to get stuck in. i loved this